just come out here and I will go home with you...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
