When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
