Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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