I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
