oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize