Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
