Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize