Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
