I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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