What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
