I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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