I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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