my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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