do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think a kid would responsible me up
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
