after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
