I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
