Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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