I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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