Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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