nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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