I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize