I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
