he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
