Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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