Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
