hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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