Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
