and you said cock pushups were impossible
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
