remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
