His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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