How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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