So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
