Dude my mom stole all your condoms
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
