New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
