we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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