My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
A bitchslap is in order.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
