your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
