Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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