I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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