There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
