to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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