Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
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