You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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