saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
