I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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