bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I need moral support for this bender
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just gargled with NyQuil
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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