I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
