we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize