This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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