I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My vagina is very pro this idea
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
