You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
