my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
