My hand turned me down
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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