every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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