i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
