My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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