i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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