In America we eat man semen.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
