Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's shark week go big or go home
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There are leaves in my underwear?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
