Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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