I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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