It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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