maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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