On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
