1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
