Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize