Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
