I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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