hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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